#16

they are blonde. and there are two of them. and they’re twins. TWINS! blonde twins. i wonder as i look at them if they spell blonde with or without an e. blond or blonde. most people would think i would judge them for being skinny and blonde and hot but mostly i would judge them based on how they spelt blonde. it looks so weird without an e…

#17

it’s finally quiet.

finally dark.

the world is sleeping here, if only for a moment, and we are at peace. i hear the rumble of this old familiar town beneath us and the only longing i feel is for you to smile and to laugh like…before. before!

when we were on the roof earlier, before the sun set completely and we were silent. both us trapped in a different time; both of us weighed down by desire and exhaustion so heavy all we could do was breathe. neither of us thought of jumping-not really. the thought swished through your mind for a moment, i saw it. but in the end you saw the light at the end of the tunnel. we stood there so quietly and you touched my hand so gently and that was all i needed to be ok.

i will keep that touch for tomorrow. when the sun comes out and the world is loud again and our demons try to battle us to the death. i will keep it and it will quiet my heart.

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#18

i remember it like it was yesterday. she kissed me under the blood red moon. we were pretentious in those days, listening to NPR and cycling everywhere; it was only a matter of time before we kissed.

so there was the moon: rising like a phoenix from the heat of the day, cooling our tender skin as we biked along the dusty road. we were both in cut-offs and plaid. our hair was slowly bleaching in the summer sunshine and our bodies were browning like lean teenage marshmallows. we were so fit! god, i wish i was still that tight! i fell off my bike, slipped on the dust, and in my total and abject humiliation i wept: openly and like a little child. she got off her bike and picked me up. she didn’t laugh or scoff or hold her breath to keep derision from creeping across her lips. she just smiled and reached out a hand and helped me up. i wiped away a tear and she leaned in and kissed me. i pulled away quickly, surprised mostly and after a breath i kissed her. we stood there, with the moon rising behind us, kissing. it felt like an hour but it was probably more like a minute. after we kissed we got back on our bikes and rode to wherever we were going. i don’t remember where we going.

we never talked about it again and it didn’t matter. it was just a thing. i don’t know if she still thinks about it ever, we haven’t spoken now for 10 or 11 years…

for my part, however insignificant it was, i won’t forget it.

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#19

ottawa. summer, 1987

we wore neon and thinking about it now i’m humiliated.

but it was a simpler time and we were in love. or we thought we were. i ignored the fact that you ignored me; ignored the fact that everyone told me you were feeling up jenny tiesdale in the back of the movie theatre; ignored that one time when you got drunk and slapped me. i blamed my side ponytail and whitney houston and her goddamn number one single.

we never were in love, were we?

at our 1o reunion when we all shuffled in and either bragged or scoffed at accomplishments ironically dressed like we did then our eyes locked across the room-you smiled and i looked away, i couldn’t face you anymore. later after a little gin i let you catch my eye and you apologized and i… i just walked away.