i'm writing a fucking novel!

it's november (duh!) and you know what that means: NaNoWriMo! For the uninitiated NaNoWriMo stands for NATIONAL NOVEL WRITING MONTH and the goal is 50000 yep, that's right? INSANE. this is my second year participating in NaNoWriMo. last year i wrote only 8000 words and for those of you doing the math that is a pitiful percentage. seriously, did you do the math? can you tell me the percentage? 

8000/50000 x 100. my brain can't do that shit. even "simplified". so let me know.

this year i cheated hardcore. yes, i cheated a contest with no prize but pride; my pride is worth very little in the face of competition with total strangers who will have no idea who i am. until i'm famous and then everyone will know who i am and they'll google me and know i cheated on NaNoWriMo 2012. SHAME... (not really)

this year i took the 8233 words i wrote last year and submitted that as my day 1 number to add to. whatever, i am still working on the same story so don't judge me, ok! and so what? because i'm not even sorry.

but here's the thing: at this exact moment i am kind of "over" fiction. i am going to work on NaNo for the experience and who knows what will happen with the "book"-maybe at the end of the day i will love it but right now, i don't know; and honestly, i don't know that i care. i do believe that the act of writing is a valuable one whether or not you actually show that writing to the world. 

but i wanna show some writing to the world. i want to be published. on my list of career goals being published is very high on the list. i genuinely want to be that asshole who walks around talking about "my book". 

"have you read my book?"

"it's available as an ebook too. i like to be green!"

"the font! have you seen the font on my book! a designer friend invented it! gah! i love a serif!"

etc...

(and please don't talk to me about when it goes out of print. why are you SO MEAN?!)

getting a play published would be cool too but not quite the same. 

so there's this novel thing but it's only a piece of what i want... and what you're asking, totally riveted, else is there to want? 

well, i've been reading a LOT of nonfiction lately: creative non-fiction, feministic blogs, comedy writing and whatever else i can get my hands on and THAT is what is inspiring me, moving me, throwing my heart and guts into creative turmoil. 

so the new goal? write some smart (and hopefully amusing), entertaining and well-the-fuck-crafted essays. to search for my voice amidst the swamp of shit out there in the world and see what sticks to the wall.

it's all a bit of a rambling dream but i do know that i am going to work on being a better, stronger and more interesting blogger (blogger...yikes!).

so there we are. please leave comments, tell me what you think and let's get some conversation going. CONTROVERSY PEOPLE.

m.

making calgary awesome

i lived in calgary alberta for 2.5 years. from the fall of september 2008 to february of 2011. when i moved i moved for a couple of reasons: a) i was battling hard with my union (canadian actors equity) and wasn't really able to work professionally in theatre in calgary in the capacity that i was being asked to work; b) i hated it here. being outside of the rehearsal hall (either at one yellow rabibit or sage) was depressing. I wasn't taking care of myself or gary and the unhappiness just got worse.  ​

i know there are people who love calgary just like i know there are people who hate edmonton but i think those people are insane. not really. not at all, actually. but i am not one of the ones who loves calgary on a day-to-day, month-to-month, year-to-painful-exhausting-year. it isn't home for me. ​

BUT, here i am in the land of the white hat, the executive rig pig and stampede date rape* ​yet again! why? bbecause i got to come home to one yellow rabbit. 

(*ok, there are rad friends here too... and many of them have even worn a white hat!) ​

i love it here. a world of passionate freaks and weirdos who have taken me under their big wings for what is now SIX shows and shown me more love and kindness ​than i deserve. confidants, adoptive parents and the hardest partiers in canadian theatre... aka: home. 

and this is what we're working on! come see it won't you? 

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​People You May Know @ the High Performance Rodeo 2013

broken up

my dear love nick green posted a really excellent blog post about playing hard to get and it made me think instantly of a recent series of breakups-well, sort of breakups because you can't really "breakup" when there isn't anything to break up but it's still the end of a "relationship" so breakup really seems like the best word and it's all just really confusing and at the end of the day you really know it's all for the best and that your life will be better without these people in it and yeah that sounds selfish but whatever i gotta look out for number one and yes i did say people rather than person don't judge me monogamy is a social contract and not a given...

breathe

so yeah, we broke up.

anywho, the thing that i find so interesting about these breakups is that i am in no way sad about them but when they go unacknowledged i feel sort of put out and then i get sad about the breakup. is it the breakup or the acknowledgement of the breakup that makes it real when it wasn't particularly real to begin with?

(am i writing an episode of sex and the city here?) 

an example: brad* and i have known each other for a little shy of two years. we met online a bit before i left calgary and weren't able to ever actually meet up. i've obviously been in calgary a number of times since then and for whatever reason we still haven't managed to cross paths. we were both pretty stoked at the idea of my being in this fair-ish city for a couple months and had a standing date for coffee**. 20 months is, afterall, a long time for just texting. but here's the thing about brad, i actually have no memory of what he looks like and no concept of who he really is a person and i've never known his last name. this may all seem sort of silly but for these and a host of other reasons*** i decided not to see him. and whatever, that happened and i am not sad about it. 

but here's the thing, i got sad because he didn't write me back. we want a fight don't we? someone to tell us to fuck off or make us feel guilty or beg us for something more, beg us to hang on to them... it feels weird to just toss it out into the ether and get back... silence. maybe that silence speaks louder than any response but i wanted a response. i wanted a fight. or at least i wanted brad to tell me to go fuck myself... or something.

maybe i just don't know what the fuck i want.

*i picked brad because then i can pretend that i broke up with brad pitt.

** and other such things.

*** none of your goddamn business